Fear of Success

Fear of Success-
My whole life has been ruled by fear. Fear of getting in trouble, fear of disapointing people I love. But most of all fear of myself. I have come to know myself in two ways, the me I put out to the world; funny, compassionate, do gooder. But the me I know is a bit different. I for the most part live with huge insecurities(shocker, I know)
I was basically raised an only child to a single mother who worked a lot, sometimes 2-3 jobs. I was physically and mentally alone for most of my childhood. I have vivid memories of playing alone and watching entirely too much TV. But for an early age I was a grown up in a kids body. I feel that I was more mature than most kids. I always dreamed of being a wife and mother and use to fill notebooks with life plans and dreams, I even had all my children's names picked out(all of which Matt hated by the way) I have always had a lot of inner dialogue and a deep thinker, probably over think alot too. I'm so afraid to mess up, that I'm too afraid to try a lot.
When I was 17, I started dating Matt and then Alex came along, then Natalee, then Ethan. I could honestly look at my life now and see everything that I've ever wanted was to not be alone, ha now I'm never alone. lol But now with those aspects covered in my life, what now?
I have all my basic needs met; shelter, food, water. Then I have a lot of other things like family and friends. But I can't say that I'm 'winning' in life. Not that I am a materialistic person, because I'm really not, but to be self sufficiant would be amazing. To have all our shit together and be able to pay for all of our own expenses. To not burden my mom or the government with helping us supporting our family. Wow, what would it be like to live in a house? I'm 30 years old and I've never lives in a single family home, but what makes me sadder still is that I have never been able to give that to my children either.
Matt and I have been married for almost 12 years and together we have never made over $30,000 a year. And no this isn't a pitty party. I know we were stupid and we started a family when we were too young and neither of us were able to go to college. But would it be asking too much for a brake? We have both worked really hard. I know that I take pride in every job that I've ever had. I have potential, but how can I reach it? I'm scared of failure. So scared! We have so little that one little bump will send us down the toilet. I am incapable of taking chances any more. Every where I turn there are choices that I'm not willing to make and I guess I'm not ready to make.
Should I go to school? spend even more time away from home, without the promise that it will for sure be better when I'm done, I could go to school for the next 8 years(PT) get my bachelors and still not find a job willing to pay me more than $10 an hour, especially in this economy.

Two big life changing decisions that I've made-
1. Getting my Real Estate License.
There was so much potential. I thought I would really enjoy it. The truth is I can't be driven by money and I had a hard time. I honestly tried to do all these programs, but I couldn't be that pushy person, I could be knowledgeable about a property and the process, but selling just wasn't my thing, but I don't regret it at all. I love all the great people that I met doing it and it would have always have been in the back of my mind if I hadn't have done it. It was just so hard to go and show houses $500,000 home and go home to my little subsidized apartment. It really was like living to different lives. Needless to say even with tons of help from fellow Realtors my business failed. I sold one home in the two years that I was active.
2. Moving to California.
Talk about beating a dead horse. We loaded all of our belongings in a Uhaul and drove 750 miles to be lied to and destitute we were forced to again load all of our belongings in a Uhaul and drive back to Utah. I have never been so low in my life. I walked around in a daze for 6 months. That was only two years ago and we still haven't recovered. Sure were are in a much better place now and I love my job(just wish it paid more) and our marriage is so much stronger because of it. But the trauma of it will be with my always.

Scared of Success- just saying that rings so true in my soul. I am scared, I'm scared of everything, that's how my mother raised me. To be scared to cross the street, to be scared to drive on 1/4 of a tank of gas, to be scared of snow. I'm just so tired of being scared and worried about everything and anything. I want to be free of my burdens, I am such a control freak that I know I need to surrender them and give them to God, but have a fear of free falling through this life. Wow I guess I have major 'trust issues'. Honestly I have a hard time letting anyone do anything because what if they don't do it my way? I feel for the most part that I can do things better than most and I know that if I just gave all this shit to God he would help, but do I have the guts to let him?

Keywords for me- TRUST
Relax
Fearless
Surrender

old Diary entry Friday February 18, 2005

Today was a good day.
Alex is 5 1/2, Natalee is 3 1/2 and Ethan is 21 months old.
Alex went to school, like always. Today the kids took something that started with a
'd' so he took a dinosaur. It was early day so he came home at 10:50am.
Natalee had a normal day, playing and took a nap.
Ethan had a normal day too.
I gave the babies(Natalee and Ethan) a bath right after I dropped Alex off at school.
I took a bath after Matt went to work at noon.
I spent the afternoon watching TV, Ethan took a nap at 2pm and Natalee at 4pm.
The kids made a nice mess in Alex's room and after Matt got home at 8:30pm the kids
did a lot of chasing and screaming getting out tons of winter energy.
Natalee and Alex were asleep by 11:15pm and now Ethan is watching 'Bear in the Big Blue House,' he was just singing his version of 'patty cake' it was so cute.
Matt has to work at 8, so he is off to bed too. I'm tired sitting here the house still smelling of the tortellini and marinara we had for dinner.