Religiosity

     Well it's here, the holidays. For me and anyone else who is in Retail, it just so happens to be the worst time of the year. Which kind of helps me keep things in some kind of realistic realm. As someone who has never had money, Christmas has really never been about getting stuff. Even when I was a kid, my Mom and Grandma made comments of how I was happy, no matter what or how much I was given.  I was blessed in my childhood to never really have a need for anything. My Mama was always hard working and was always really good with her money, so I never felt cheated or like I grew up poor. I've always been somewhat of a minimalist. I don't really strive for the best of THINGS. I have nice things don't get me wrong, but functionality and cost always come into play when I buy anything. I'm cheap you could say, again probably growing up with a Mom who was raised during the depression.
      Now to my point, the last few years have felt different at the holidays. I grew up very religious. I went to church every Sunday and I was involved in a lot of other aspects of church. I wouldn't changed any of that. I really feel it's made me who I am. During my childhood years, I had some great experiences and built amazing relationships with people that I would have never met otherwise. But as I sit here a 31 year old women, things have changed. My thoughts on church have certainly changed and the way that I experience Christmas is different. At church you are taught to ignore the worldly view of Christmas such as Santa and materialistic things, you focus on Christ's birthday. You have a Christmas program and you light a candle.         
      When I was 17, I met Matt, a nonbeliever and we got serious very quickly and I became pregnant. Soon after I announced to everyone I was pregnant, I left church and didn't really attend much for almost for 10 years. Then Matt, who was raised LDS, but never really participated in the faith, met a pastor and his wife, who invited us to church, we hit it off right away with them and we soon found ourselves knee deep in their church and unfortunately some things happened and I was not interested in a faith where people say they are Christians and treat people so badly. I was officially done with organized religion.   
      As the years have past, I have had deep thoughts and conversations with myself about what this life, God and everything else was meant to be. And it's become so clear to me. After officially stepping away from ALL churches, the guilt of every little sin you make lifts, the logic of religion begins to waiver. Now lets make this clear, I DO, absolutely believe in God, I have looked into the eyes of all three of my children and I've seen Him there. I believe in the supernatural and another realm where our spirits are from and when we are done here, we will return. But I truly believe that all religion is man-made, it's made up by scholars and people in power to control the minds of the masses. For instance, I believe that Jesus was a real man, that is a historical fact, but other than a Great man I see him no different than Gandhi, Buddha or even Muhammad.
     Think of ALL the people in this world as Gods biological children, think of your children, would you tell only one of your children the true way or would you tell them all? There are so many religions and so many ways of life. I don't know about you, but when I see my children, when I think of them, there is NOTHING in life that could make my turn my back on them. There are times when they do things that I don't like and that I might not agree with, but I certainly didn't have children for them to worship me. I want them to live their own life, to find their own way, to think with their amazing minds, which God gave us to think with and make our own decisions, not to be told by someone else what you think.
     To me Dogma is a dirt word. Doing religious rituals to further you walk with God is ridiculous. Going to church every Sabbath, taking communion, baptism, speeching in tongues...step back and think about it. If Children where not exposed to religion and church until an age when they can think of themselves, how many people do you think would be religious? But when you grow up being told this is the norm. This is the true and ONLY way, what choice do you have? Guilt is a huge part to keep people in check, don't question God or you will burn in hell. God is writing down all the sins that you've made your entire life, what would be the purpose? If I wrote down all the "sins" according to the bible that my children have made already in their short lives, that would be a pretty long book, but what would be a good reason to keep those kinds of things? When you are older and think totally different should you be punished for something you did as a child? Asking for forgiveness, is that all I need, right? I don't know it just doesn't add up to me.
      Another thing that bothers me so badly is the thinking that people without religion or a belief in God can't possibly be moral. Morality had absolutely NOTHING to do with it. If anything I have seen more morals from atheists, than Christians. When you are acting a certain way for a reward, is that moral. If you are living your life a certain way, because you are scared of the wrath of God, is that living? I refuse to believe that we are all pawns in a large chest game, between good and evil. My children will have the free choice to believe whatever they chose. Because like I said it's their lives, not mine.

My position concerning God is that of an agnostic. I am convinced that a vivid consciousness of the primary importance of moral principles for the betterment and ennoblement of life does not need the idea of a law-giver, especially a law-giver who works on the basis of reward and punishment.

— Letter to M. Berkowitz, October 25, 1950; Einstein Archive 59-215



          

Fear of Success

Fear of Success-
My whole life has been ruled by fear. Fear of getting in trouble, fear of disapointing people I love. But most of all fear of myself. I have come to know myself in two ways, the me I put out to the world; funny, compassionate, do gooder. But the me I know is a bit different. I for the most part live with huge insecurities(shocker, I know)
I was basically raised an only child to a single mother who worked a lot, sometimes 2-3 jobs. I was physically and mentally alone for most of my childhood. I have vivid memories of playing alone and watching entirely too much TV. But for an early age I was a grown up in a kids body. I feel that I was more mature than most kids. I always dreamed of being a wife and mother and use to fill notebooks with life plans and dreams, I even had all my children's names picked out(all of which Matt hated by the way) I have always had a lot of inner dialogue and a deep thinker, probably over think alot too. I'm so afraid to mess up, that I'm too afraid to try a lot.
When I was 17, I started dating Matt and then Alex came along, then Natalee, then Ethan. I could honestly look at my life now and see everything that I've ever wanted was to not be alone, ha now I'm never alone. lol But now with those aspects covered in my life, what now?
I have all my basic needs met; shelter, food, water. Then I have a lot of other things like family and friends. But I can't say that I'm 'winning' in life. Not that I am a materialistic person, because I'm really not, but to be self sufficiant would be amazing. To have all our shit together and be able to pay for all of our own expenses. To not burden my mom or the government with helping us supporting our family. Wow, what would it be like to live in a house? I'm 30 years old and I've never lives in a single family home, but what makes me sadder still is that I have never been able to give that to my children either.
Matt and I have been married for almost 12 years and together we have never made over $30,000 a year. And no this isn't a pitty party. I know we were stupid and we started a family when we were too young and neither of us were able to go to college. But would it be asking too much for a brake? We have both worked really hard. I know that I take pride in every job that I've ever had. I have potential, but how can I reach it? I'm scared of failure. So scared! We have so little that one little bump will send us down the toilet. I am incapable of taking chances any more. Every where I turn there are choices that I'm not willing to make and I guess I'm not ready to make.
Should I go to school? spend even more time away from home, without the promise that it will for sure be better when I'm done, I could go to school for the next 8 years(PT) get my bachelors and still not find a job willing to pay me more than $10 an hour, especially in this economy.

Two big life changing decisions that I've made-
1. Getting my Real Estate License.
There was so much potential. I thought I would really enjoy it. The truth is I can't be driven by money and I had a hard time. I honestly tried to do all these programs, but I couldn't be that pushy person, I could be knowledgeable about a property and the process, but selling just wasn't my thing, but I don't regret it at all. I love all the great people that I met doing it and it would have always have been in the back of my mind if I hadn't have done it. It was just so hard to go and show houses $500,000 home and go home to my little subsidized apartment. It really was like living to different lives. Needless to say even with tons of help from fellow Realtors my business failed. I sold one home in the two years that I was active.
2. Moving to California.
Talk about beating a dead horse. We loaded all of our belongings in a Uhaul and drove 750 miles to be lied to and destitute we were forced to again load all of our belongings in a Uhaul and drive back to Utah. I have never been so low in my life. I walked around in a daze for 6 months. That was only two years ago and we still haven't recovered. Sure were are in a much better place now and I love my job(just wish it paid more) and our marriage is so much stronger because of it. But the trauma of it will be with my always.

Scared of Success- just saying that rings so true in my soul. I am scared, I'm scared of everything, that's how my mother raised me. To be scared to cross the street, to be scared to drive on 1/4 of a tank of gas, to be scared of snow. I'm just so tired of being scared and worried about everything and anything. I want to be free of my burdens, I am such a control freak that I know I need to surrender them and give them to God, but have a fear of free falling through this life. Wow I guess I have major 'trust issues'. Honestly I have a hard time letting anyone do anything because what if they don't do it my way? I feel for the most part that I can do things better than most and I know that if I just gave all this shit to God he would help, but do I have the guts to let him?

Keywords for me- TRUST
Relax
Fearless
Surrender

old Diary entry Friday February 18, 2005

Today was a good day.
Alex is 5 1/2, Natalee is 3 1/2 and Ethan is 21 months old.
Alex went to school, like always. Today the kids took something that started with a
'd' so he took a dinosaur. It was early day so he came home at 10:50am.
Natalee had a normal day, playing and took a nap.
Ethan had a normal day too.
I gave the babies(Natalee and Ethan) a bath right after I dropped Alex off at school.
I took a bath after Matt went to work at noon.
I spent the afternoon watching TV, Ethan took a nap at 2pm and Natalee at 4pm.
The kids made a nice mess in Alex's room and after Matt got home at 8:30pm the kids
did a lot of chasing and screaming getting out tons of winter energy.
Natalee and Alex were asleep by 11:15pm and now Ethan is watching 'Bear in the Big Blue House,' he was just singing his version of 'patty cake' it was so cute.
Matt has to work at 8, so he is off to bed too. I'm tired sitting here the house still smelling of the tortellini and marinara we had for dinner.

Living off the Grid

I am not one of those over zealous tree huggers, who recycle everything and go to environment protests, but man what I would give to live "off the grid". To live a life that affects no one else. To no longer be reliant on chlorinated city water, power or gas. To have a self sustaining home out in the woods. To enjoy the life my ancestors once had, but with modern technology. To use wind and solar energy to power a cozy family home. To dig a well and recycle rain water. To grow an organic garden, to have non chemical septic and just live the way, I think, God intended.

If I had the money, I would buy acres of wilderness and build a small seven room cabin in a natural clearing, trying to affect the land as little as possible. Live close enough to paved roads and grocery stores that it wouldn't be a days trip, but live far enough the my children can scream and play in the woods without anyone hearing them. To have the freedom to let my children explore the natural world without the fear of someone harming them.

Maybe close enough that my children can attend public school and have that contact with the outside world, but come home to our magical cabin. To just slow time and savor every moment, what would it be like? Pipe dreams, pipe dreams, why does it have to be a pipe dream?

I would love to break my habit of adding to the common lifestyle of consumerism. I had a dream last night about being forced to leave this home and just go as fast as I could, what would I have to take, what would I need to take? I look around now and realize that other than photos, a few clothes, food, water and a few toiletries, the only thing to me that would matter would be my family(including my dog). Anything in this house can be replaced, if I really needed or wanted them to begin with.

Society tells us we need more and more "stuff" and I see now that it's pointless. We are trying to fill a void in our lives by filling it with junk. Sure somethings are nice to look at and somethings make life easier and more convenient, but is it worth it? If I leave this body tomorrow, I won't be taking anything with me. Life today is so full of things to do, to occupy our time until we die. To make as much money as we can until we die, to accumulate as much stuff as we can until we die. People have closer relationships with nic nacs and clothes than people, it's disgusting.

I find myself thinking about all the time Jesus traveled preaching, living off the land, enjoys the comforts and kindness of strangers. you never heard about the huge Uhaul of junk he brought along with him.

We have built walls of "stuff" to keep people out, I think that the best gift anyone can ever give someone is a piece of themselves, time to spend together. It may not be tangible on the outside, but man it fills that void the way no physical object can.

Alexander Bradley Bishop

When I was 17 I started, I guess you would say "dating" my now husband Matt. We had known of each other for over a year from Journalism, but now we had Astronomy and Journalism together. We went from best friends to totally in love in a matter of weeks. In January of 1999, I found out that I was pregnant. Crystal, my best friend, helped me break the news to my mom and Matt wrote his mom a letter. Reluctantly, my Mom let Matt move in to our condo while we both finished school and started to prepare for our baby. In March I got my first job working at a dry cleaners and Matt continued to work at Albertson's. Matt graduated in June of 1999. We found out that I was having a little boy and that I was due September 12, 1999. I had horrible morning sickness all during my pregnancy. I missed a lot of school because of it. I almost flunked out of most of my classes until my mom wrote notes to all my teachers letting them know that I was pregnant. Most of them gave me a break and some gave me a chance to do some make up work. I continued to attend high school until summer break of my Junior year. In the middle of August, I started to have trouble with my blood pressure and the doctor kept threatening to induce early. Two times I brought my bag to my doctor's appointment, thinking maybe today was the day. On August 30th, we had a doctor's appointment at 4pm and my blood pressure was really high and I was starting to swell really badly and have protein in my urine. So Dr. Marriott sent my straight down stairs to be induces, I was so happy, being pregnant all summer long was miserable. I was put into my room and automatically put on pitocine, I was already 3 cm. I was lucky enough to get my epidural at 7pm. It was a family affair, my mom, Matt(of course), Matt's mom and Dad, Brittany(Matt's little sister) and Stephanie(Matt's big sister) all came for most of the labor and of course the delivery. I slept from about 9pm-midnight and I was woken by contractions. My epidural had come out of the space and I had to have it redone, that sucked really bad, especially because I was having really bad contractions while they were trying to place it. From about 12:30pm-3am, I slept while the family all watched movies that Louise(my mother-in-law) brought. Then when the nurse came in to check me I was ready to push. Unfortunately, my doctor was sleeping up in his office with a loud fan on and didn't hear his beeper or the nurse beating on the office door. The nurse delivered Alexander Bradley Bishop at 3:14 am, August 31, 1999. He had needed some help to breath and it took them a long time to get him to cry, but finally he did and he got all cleaned up and started getting passed around the room to all the family members. Named After: Alexander- My Paternal Grandfather is Emmett Alexander Wright. Bradley- Mostly because we liked it, but also because our good friend Brad. Alex weighed 6 pounds 7 ounces and was 19 inches long. We stayed our normal three days in the hospital and them we went home with our little baby boy.

My Favorite 100 movies of all time.

Top movies:

1. Almost Famous

2. Riding in Cars With Boys

3. American Beauty

4. Love Actually

5. Crash

6. Shaun of the Dead

7. Beaches

8. Signs

9. I am Legend

10. Twilight

other favorites not in any particular order:

11. 28 Days Later

12. Pineapple Express

13. Forgetting Sarah Marshall

14. Fried Green Tomatoes

15. The Family Stone

16. The Sixth Sense

17. The Holiday

18. Little Women

19. Pretty in Pink

20. Untamed Heart

21. Weird Science

22. Adventures in Babysitting

23. Lost Boys

24. Father of the Bride

25. Father of the Bride 2

26. Bettlejuice

27. Knocked Up

28. American Werewolf in Paris

29. Rock Star

30. Yes Man

31. Juno

32. Up

33. Big

34. The Craft

35. Peter Pan(live action)

36. Planet of the Apes(Mark Walhberg)

37. Just Friends

38. Reality Bites

39. Mary Reilly

40. Underworld

41. Return of the Blue Lagoon

42. Mr. Bean's Holiday

43. Little Children

44. Elf

45. Psycho(new)

46. In The Bedroom

47. American History X

48. My Own Private Idaho

49. Mixed Nuts

50. Christmas Vacation(National Lampoons)

51. The Crow

52. Dazed and Confused

53. Empire Records

54. Drowning Mona

55. Sixteen Candles

56. A Christmas Story

57. Silence of the Lambs

58. Panic Room

59. Hostel

60. Trainspotting

61. Walk the Line

62. What's Eating Gilbert Grape

63. Liar Liar

64. The Labyrinth

65. Funny Farm

66. Drop Dead Fred

67. Jumpin' Jack Flash

68. Edward Scissorhands

69. Dumb and Dumber

70. The Blair Witch Project

71. National Lampoon's Vacation

72. Stigmata

73. Stir of Echoes

74. Dogma

75. Spaceballs

76. Cast Away

77. Scream

78. Run Fat Boy Run

79. Unbreakable

80. The Family Man

81. Mamma Mia

82. Hocus Pocus

83. Fools Rush In

84. Jumper

85. The Wedding Singer

86. Pet Cemetery

87. Pet Cemetery 2

88. Spanglish

89. Polar Express

90. Hope Floats

91. The Ring

92. Milk Money

93. Home Alone

94. Home Alone 2

95. Nightmare Before Christmas

96. Overboard

97. Saw Series

98. Scary Movie Series

99. She's Having A Baby

100. For Keeps

My Recovery Prayer..........

God,

I offer myself to you, to build with me and do your will.

Relieve me of the bondage of self, so that I may better do your will.

Take away my difficulties, that victory over them will bear witness

to those I will and would help with you power, your love and your

way of life.